Help, my child loves Andrew Tate
It is hard for me to believe that I am writing my third blog post on Andrew Tate. I wish I weren’t sitting here on a rainy day, looking at a Telegram group called “Tate Speech” and scrolling through videos promoting ‘The Real World,’ which is Andrew Tate’s newest platform to connect young men to success–for only $49.99 a month. Yes, you hear me correctly, our boys are signing up for his classes to get direct access to “real” professors and “successful” men for an annual cost of $600. .
As the rain hits my window, I feel desperate watching young men bragging about what they’ve earned.
“You can learn 18 ways to earn money online.”
“I earned $2000 in two weeks at only 15.”
“If you want to escape the 9-to-5 there is not better place to be than The Real World.”
Disillusioned with a world in which it’s increasingly hard to support oneself outside of a 40+ hour work week, while simultaneously being told that supporting oneself and more is the only route to personal success, these boys and men see themselves as taking a shortcut to the Bugattis and mansions they believe will make them fulfilled, both emotionally and financially.
As I listen to these young men, I smile and think, why are we all working if it’s that easy to have it all? Though it’s evident to us that this narrative is used to peddle a virtual pyramid scheme, these young boys and men would claim that we are “stuck in the Matrix:” a phrase Tate uses to describe anyone who holds a job and lives a normal life. Tate actively encourages boys to burst out of the Matrix with get-rich-quick schemes. But the only one really getting rich is Tate himself.
In teaching youth about Andrew Tate, one of the issues I have encountered is that the idea that “nothing is free” has been lost in the digital world. We are so used to free videos, free content, and free streaming services that we have forgotten that “free” means these tools are selling our data. Via the data garnered across various apps through Tate’s free content, algorithms can then send young men down the rabbit hole, one which they’ll end up paying $49.99 a month to stay in. Additionally, a crucial tactic is that Tate encourages his paying subscribers and fans to promote his work on those free apps like Tiktok and Twitter, creating a feedback loop.
I have never seen anyone take hold of youth more than Andrew Tate. I know that adults are worried, too, because my first and second blog posts for educators have had over 36,000 reads. I have never had so much interest in my writing. But something was still missing. I was writing to educators, and I realize parents needed their own blog posts to help them navigate this at home. This blog post was partially sparked by an email I received from a mother, but also by a conversation I had with Leila Holmyard, at the Council of International Schools. Leila told me of distraught parents, and I had encountered several as well. The mother who wrote me was obviously in the same boat: Her darling son was no longer acting like someone she knew. He had insulted her, called her a “second-tier woman,” wanted to stop pursuing all his activities, to start bodybuilding and get into a business. He was in middle school, but he already believed Andrew would make him rich fast. He was hooked. I heard the desperation in the words this mother typed. She was searching for other parents dealing with this and begging to find help.
Shortly after this, I was hosting a parent evening, and it was obvious that one mother had a son who had been indoctrinated by Tate. When I said, “These are not bad boys, they are boys who have been tricked, manipulated and misled. They need our help,” this woman’s entire body language changed. Her shoulders relaxed, and she started engaging, sharing some of the ways she has tried to get through to her son.
Since then, I have spent a lot of time asking parents what works, while thinking about what tips I have for you from my experience in the field.
Educate yourself: Before you can have a conversation with your child about Andrew Tate and the manosphere, you need to understand more about him. Sign up for his daily newsletter and start to understand what he is really about, and read blog posts and articles about him. I recommend the BBC documentary, “The Dangerous Rise of Andrew Tate,” to understand Tate in depth.
Address the root causes: Try to identify the underlying reasons why your child was drawn to the manosphere and Andrew Tate in the first place. Is it a lack of self-esteem, a desire for male companionship or role-models, or a need for a sense of purpose? Are there patterns in your own family that might demonstrate unfortunately gendered behavior? Try to talk to your child about the root causes, why they feel that Tate’s talking points ring true, and what examples in real life they have seen to support them.
Remember that this is a cult-like following, and cults prey on people who feel they have few real friends or family of their own to talk to. Offer them the chance to become part of a group that will grant them meaningful opportunities for friendship in real life. It may be that your child needs to interact with a more diverse group of people, or that they need positive same-gender spaces. Addressing these underlying weaknesses in their support structures can help your child break free from the influence of Andrew Tate and the manosphere.This could include:
Getting them involved in a sports group or class in a new hobby they want to try.
Looking to see if their school or university has extracurricular activities to connect them with others.
Spending meaningful screen-free time with them doing things they love, laughing, and enjoying life.
Getting them involved in a local charity or volunteer work. If they complain, you can use Tate as an example! He says he is very involved in giving back, and allegedly donates his money to an orphanage.
Spend time watching series and movies with them. Make some popcorn, let them choose the movie, put your phone away, and dive into their world. Discuss the things you watch together.
One parent shared that daily conversations about his newest newsletter were a helpful connection. Another told me that trying to talk to their teen boy was like pulling blood from a stone. I understand this, but by talking about their video games, interests, and by diving into their online universe, the conversations will start to get easier. They need to trust that you are interested in their world before they can hear criticisms of it.
Provide a safe and supportive environment: Let your child know that you love them unconditionally and that you are there to support them. Create a safe and non-judgmental environment where they feel comfortable talking to you. One mother told me she lost her cool and just started yelling. As a feminist, she realized she couldn’t seem to stay calm when her own child was saying horrible things about women. So she delegated some of these conversations to her husband. It is okay to divide and conquer. Please don’t blame yourself if you snap, but try to remember that this will not help in the long term. Do your best to find ways to give this safe and supportive environment.
One bit of advice always given is to encourage critical thinking. Post after post, article after article, all say that you should ask your child to question the beliefs and assumptions they have learned from the manosphere. And, of course, encourage them to seek out information from a variety of sources and to consider alternative perspectives. Most parents tell me this doesn’t work. I am rather sure this is because these youth are stuck in their echo chamber, and they cannot see outside of this world.
As a parent, you might need to dive into their echo chamber to understand them. Take the example from Theo E.J. Wilson. As a black man, he went undercover in the alt-right. What he learned is eye-opening. He saw the way they thought. Young people report that they see us as hypocrites. They say we are not willing to see their side, yet ask them to take on our beliefs without question. So make sure you are willing to engage, have courageous conversations, and listen to what they say. Look into what they are doing and show interest. Try to understand why they are into Andrew Tate. I repeat, ask what the core of your child’s particular interest is. If it is, for example, business, find other ways to get them this information. Understanding why these young people are drawn to these influencers can help you understand how best to pull them out.
Teach them emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is a big term, but it’s sometimes defined as having “soft skills.” This upsets me as a social worker, and I say humbug! Emotional intelligence also means understanding other people and their motivations. Teach them how to understand themselves, then others, and what others want from them. This is not a soft skill, but rather a superpower.
Without using Andrew Tate as an example, point out scams online. Talk about Bernie Madoff; talk about any news story you come across where someone was tricking someone for their personal gain. Just calmly keep sharing these stories and their scam techniques without mentioning Tate. Give them the information they need to call a scam on their own.
Monitor their online activity. You should be doing this already, but you can ask them to show you what they are watching and what they are looking at and take some time to dive into these spaces. When doing so, think of being open-minded. Some of what Tate says, on the surface, like being accountable for our own actions, seems reasonable. and you need to take a deep breath and listen as if with the ears of your child. Make sure you are monitoring how they spend their money. You do not want them joining The Real World. This is no place for youth, and is a dangerous and irresponsible financial decision for them to be making.
Make sure they have a break from this online echo chamber by having phone and device-free times. I always advise having phone bedtimes and phone-free bedrooms overnight.
Find other parents who are struggling and share notes.
Seek professional help: If your child is deeply entrenched in the manosphere and is exhibiting dangerous behavior, it may be necessary to seek professional help. A mental health professional or a deprogramming expert can provide specialized support and guidance to help your child break free from this harmful influence.
Some of the other challenges you might encounter:
Language challenges
Some parents have reported that they were not fully understanding what was going on for a simple reason. English was not their first language, and they heard that Tate was telling their child not to vape and to work hard.They were happy at first, because they had missed all the other things Tate was saying. If this is you, I understand you. I spend years during which my children spoke a different language at school than my native language. I constantly felt like I was missing something. My advice after all those years is to ask for help! If I hadn’t asked, I don’t know how I would have survived. I cried on more than one occasion when I felt that I had completely misunderstood what was going on at my child’s school. Some things that helped were getting involved with other parents in the school community and trying to understand what they were doing and why. Ask parents to send you newspaper articles, and help you stay up to date. Don’t hesitate to use translation services such as DeepL to translate articles and blog posts that you are sent so that you might read them in your mother tongue.
Parents and educators who might agree with Tate, or misunderstand the dangers
I had two situations that I was not expecting. One was with two male educators who knew that they could not say outright that they believed Tate, but were obviously enthralled with his world and his teaching. It was an A-ha moment for me to think, yes some teachers might like some of this content. I engaged in conversation and learned from them as they shared and possibly overshared information giving me great insight. Even though it was painful to notice, this is diversity, and I also need to accept that as long as they are not sharing these views with students they are allowed to have views that differ from mine, and I need to try and understand why this is happening.
The second encounter was with a mother of a teen boy who laughed and told me, well, I kind of agree with this. I had a hard time not letting my jaw hit the pavement. I will be honest, this attitude is rare, but you might come across it. I understood immediately that she didn’t get the full picture or the severity of what is happening and how these boys can be pulled into depression if they aren't succeeding in becoming all that Tate tells them they will be. Stay calm and inform the parents, but if they disagree, understand that some people don’t want to see this as a problem. Try to appeal to their desire to keep their children safe, and remind them of the safety concerns related to Andrew Tate. He has been accused of sex crimes, and encourages this behavior in others.
In conclusion, As a parent, you want to do everything you can to protect your children from harmful influences. It is heartbreaking to see your child get sucked into something you know is bad, especially when it feels impossible to manage because these influencers are on their phones and their computers and sending messages to them daily via Instagram, TikTok, Telegram, YouTube videos, newsletters, and more.
I want to end by asking you to do some self-reflection. Take a journey back to your teen years. Put some music on, and sink into the memories of who you were at the age of your child now. Did you have low self-esteem? Were you lost sometimes? Did you think your parents were old-fashioned and didn’t understand the world? Now ask yourself if you could have been sucked into the “wisdom” of Tate. Could you have been vulnerable to the advice of a wealthy man who says he is there for you, will answer your questions, and will help you? Now imagine having all the platforms your children have, and think about how easy it would be for someone like this to get under your skin. It is frightening to think about being so young and having constant access to something like an alter ego whispering in your ear daily, hey… I am on your side, hey I am here to make you rich, hey I get that you are lonely. You need to understand that we, too, could fall into cult-like behavior if we had been sucked in daily to a digital echo chamber feeding us with content that inoculated us, slowly making us lose a sense of our own opinions. Try and remember this and show empathy and love to your child as you have conversations with them. We need to be the voice in their ear, not Tate. We need to remind them that we are here for them, that we can support them to be successful, and that we understand their emotions and struggles. A parent’s love is free; Tate’s will make your child pay, in more ways than one.
I hope this helps you. The first mother who wrote to me has stayed in my mind for over 6 months. She was searching for a parent group to share notes and discuss how to deal with a child who has been taken in. If you are interested in finding a group like this, fill in this form to show your interest. Depending on how many parents sign up, I will find a way to connect you all in a safe way. I will not add you to a newsletter or share your information with anyone. I will inform you of how many parents I have together and ask you to join a group once I am sure of a safe way to move ahead.
–Allison Ochs, social pedagogue/worker, author, mother of three, wife
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References:
Salovey, P., & Mayer, J. D. (1990). Emotional Intelligence. Imagination, Cognition and Personality
https://www.ted.com/talks/theo_e_j_wilson_a_black_man_goes_undercover_in_the_alt_right?language=en
https://janjalalich.com/help/characteristics-associated-with-cults/