How can I control my child's gaming?

Whenever I meet with parents, they ask how they can control their child’s gaming. To comfort all parents reading this your children ask the same thing about their own habits; teenagers ask me at every session: "How can I control my gaming?" They, too, want to know.

I wish I had a magic wand and could wave it over your child and make them stop loving gaming; I can't. Kids just love gaming, that’s just the way it is. But let me give you a few pointers.

First, understand what your child is doing.

What does your child game? If they play, you should also understand the terminology of their games and have a basic idea of what is going on. Too many of us complain about gaming without understanding the game. Trust me when I tell you that your child will want to talk to you about their game.

Second, understand why your child games. It could be that they are bored, but most likely the reason is one of the following:

an escape,
a way to be social,
less judgement by online friends than in “real” life,
a challenge,
measurable success in that leveling up with badges and awards may give a child the self-confidence they might lack academically, or
dreams of becoming an e-gamer or even making a career out of gaming.

Third, set boundaries.

This can only happen once you have understood the game. Children of all ages, including teenagers, want and need boundaries. They actively search for them. Please remember only to set boundaries that you can keep. Otherwise you will be a pushover, which is the number-one mistake I see parents make.

Fourth, make sure your child is balanced.

Does your child have meaningful relationships? Do they get fresh air and exercise? Do they get their homework done and have other hobbies? If the answer to those questions is yes, you are in a good place for the moment. In social work, I learned the importance of hobbies back in the early 90s. Hobbies, sports, and activities keep kids out of trouble.

Fifth, keep an eye on your child’s gaming and discuss media balance with them.

The word discussion is there because we often nag rather than teach and discuss. I am also guilty of this, and I know how easy it is to nag. I am also not a huge fan of gaming and will quickly resort to nagging. Discussion about what it is your child is doing and keeping an eye on their behavior is critical. If you notice that your child is sliding and missing out on things like meaningful relationships, lashing out at you, changing their behavior, try to figure out what is going on, what has changed and get on top of the situation rapidly.

How do you know if your child might have a serious problem?

They always think about games.
They might experience things that look like withdrawal if you take the games away.

They are playing more and more.
Your child cannot control themselves and you can’t control them. They scream at you and lash out any time you try to limit gaming time.
Your child loses interest in other hobbies.
Your child lies to you about gaming.
Their grades slip, and they know it is because of gaming, but they continue anyway.
They don't want to see friends anymore.
Anytime they are frustrated, or in a bad mood, they game.

If this is the case and you are worried, seek help from a support group or a pediatrician. My new favorite place to send parents is to Cam Adair’s website and videos. He was addicted himself, and to help parents and kids, he runs a website called Gamequitters.com.

Remember, be a scientist. Ask yourself why your child loves gaming so much. What is it that games are giving them? Help them and help them change their habits. If you need to change behavior in your home, I have a chapter on creating change at home in my parent guide, Would I have sexted back in the 80s?. It is not easy to create change at home. Trust me, I know.

–Allison Ochs, social pedagogue/worker, author, mother of three, wife

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Digital CitizenshipAllison OchsFebruary 2, 2021Gaming, Parenting, ScreentimeComment

How can I control my child's gaming?

Whenever I meet with parents, they ask how they can control their child’s gaming. To comfort all parents reading this your children ask the same thing about their own habits; teenagers ask me at every session: "How can I control my gaming?" They, too, want to know.

I wish I had a magic wand and could wave it over your child and make them stop loving gaming; I can't. Kids just love gaming, that’s just the way it is. But let me give you a few pointers.

First, understand what your child is doing.

What does your child game? If they play, you should also understand the terminology of their games and have a basic idea of what is going on. Too many of us complain about gaming without understanding the game. Trust me when I tell you that your child will want to talk to you about their game.

Second, understand why your child games. It could be that they are bored, but most likely the reason is one of the following:

an escape,

a way to be social,

less judgement by online friends than in “real” life,

a challenge,

measurable success in that leveling up with badges and awards may give a child the self-confidence they might lack academically, or

dreams of becoming an e-gamer or even making a career out of gaming.

Third, set boundaries.

This can only happen once you have understood the game. Children of all ages, including teenagers, want and need boundaries. They actively search for them. Please remember only to set boundaries that you can keep. Otherwise you will be a pushover, which is the number-one mistake I see parents make.

Fourth, make sure your child is balanced.

Fifth, keep an eye on your child’s gaming and discuss media balance with them.

How do you know if your child might have a serious problem?

They always think about games.

They might experience things that look like withdrawal if you take the games away.

They are playing more and more.

Your child cannot control themselves and you can’t control them. They scream at you and lash out any time you try to limit gaming time.

Your child loses interest in other hobbies.

Your child lies to you about gaming.

Their grades slip, and they know it is because of gaming, but they continue anyway.

They don't want to see friends anymore.

Anytime they are frustrated, or in a bad mood, they game.

If this is the case and you are worried, seek help from a support group or a pediatrician. My new favorite place to send parents is to Cam Adair’s website and videos. He was addicted himself, and to help parents and kids, he runs a website called Gamequitters.com.